French Toast and Other Strange Stories
by Karaoke
Summary: Team 7 and their friends have a lot of adventures, and some of them are extremely strange, such as...well, just read and find out!
1. French Toast

**French Toast**

One day Sakura and Ino decided to become friends again. "We should never have let a guy come between us." The sobbed, hugging each other and crying. The next second Ino was shoving Sakura away. "don't hug me, you lesbo." She said in disgust.

"Huh?" Said Sakura, confused.

"I said, do you want some French toast?" Ino smiled warmly at her friend.

"French WHAT!" Screeched Sakura in alarm.

"TOAST, you ninny!" Yelled Ino.

"Oh! Yes, yes I would."

"Wait here while I make it, okay?" Ino left the room, took her private elevator up to the top floor, pressed her hand against a hidden identification pad on the wall, and typed the password (Sasuke) in the little keyboard that popped up from behind the pad. The wall before her opened up into a large doorway, and closed seamlessly behind her when she entered. Now that she was in the kitchen (which had soundproof walls), she knew nobody could hear her, so she belted out some Whitney Houston songs at the top of her lungs. When she was finished, she couldn't remember what she was in the kitchen for, so she sat at the table and had a good cry.

Meanwhile, Sakura was still waiting downstairs for her French toast. She looked out the window and saw the muffin man hijacking Ino's car, while the Pillsbury dough boy rode alongside on a dead horse.

Sakura shook her head sadly. "This place is going to the dogs." She wiped away a tear. "Or should I say, 'this place is going to the French!'" She had such a laughing fit that she fell over, hit her head on Ino's desk, and went into a coma.

Upstairs, Ino gnawed on the table leg, thinking it was French toast, which for some reason she kept thinking about.


	2. Mom

**Mom**

"Mom?" Naruto asked Sakura, "can you help me with my homework?"

"Of course dear...wait a minute, I'm not your mom!" Yelled Sakura, and smacked Naruto over the head. "Your mom's dead, remember?"

"She's...dead?" Naruto's lower lip poked out. His chin trembled, and his eyes filled with tears. Finally his body gave a great shudder and he let out a great wail.

"Don't worry. She'll be back soon." Said Sakura comfortingly.

Naruto looked freaked out. "How could she be back soon if she's dead?"

Sakura smiled like a rabid sheep, and her eyes bugged out. She stood up tall and announced proudly, "because I have just recently finished my 'bring-dead-people-back-to-life-er' machine, and then you will see your mom again; as a mindless, brain-eating, psychopathic zombie who doesn't brush her teeth or wear deodorant!"

"Yay!" Yelled Naruto happily.


	3. Defeating Kakashi

**Defeating Kakashi**

Kakashi was reading one of his sick porno magazines (as usual), when Naruto snuck up behind him and kicked him in the head.

"Ow! What was that for!" Yelled Kakashi angrily, tempted to slice Naruto in half with his katana.

Naruto did a little dance. "I have just defeated you! That makes me worthy of the Jounin title now!"

Kakashi looked condescendingly down at Naruto and said haughtily, "you have not 'defeated' me, you bimbo. If I am still alive, or conscious, I have not been defeated."

"Oh." Naruto hung his head. "I guess that means I'll have to kill you or knock you unconscious."

"I guess so." Kakashi looked back at his book, drooling over the pictures like two perverted perverts.

"Hiiyah!" Screamed Naruto, head butting Kakashi in the back.

"Leave me alone, you little twerp." Kakashi muttered, not even looking up.

"You mean you aren't defeated yet?" Naruto asked in disappointment.

"Nope."

"Well, I guess I only have one option left." Naruto sighed. He ran home and got his bazooka. Then he ran back to where Kakashi was reading. "I hate to do this," Naruto said apologetically, "but I must do what I must do, and that is defeat you." He paused for a second, thinking, _whoa, that rhymed. _But he got back to the topic at hand, and with that, he blew Kakashi's head off.

Unfortunately, it was a water clone. The real Kakashi was at home spiking his hair.

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A/N: Heh, don't ask why Naruto has a bazooka... but this IS a fanfic, and a silly one at that! Which would also explain the...ahem, interesting layout of Ino's flower shop in chapter 1. Anywho, REVIEW! You know you waaaaant it! 


	4. Naruto's Boy Band

**Naruto's Boy Band**

One day Naruto decided he wanted to start a boy band. "I'll call it the Ninjas X!" He said happily. Sakura, who happened to be lurking nearby listening, asked, "what's the X for?"

Naruto gave her a pitying look. "It's sad that you can't figure it out." He said. "It's obvious. Because without the X, I could get sued, as "ninjas" is already a copyrighted word."

"It's copyrighted?" Sakura asked. Naruto nodded, still looking at her as if she were a bit of an idiot. "Oh." Her face suddenly brightened. "Can I join?"

"It's a boy band!" Naruto yelled. Sakura didn't seem fazed.

"Well, I'm good at pretending-"

Naruto didn't want to hear the rest. He ran off screaming about crossdressers. Eventually he calmed down, and sat down on a park bench. Then he saw Sasuke walking by in a pink tutu. (A/N: Now that's something to picture!) "Sasuke!" He yelled. "You wanna join my boy band? It's called Ninjas X!"

Sasuke looked at Naruto, appearing to be thinking hard. "Well," he said, "I would, but practices might interfere with my ballet sessions." He gave his friend an apologetic look, then walked on, doing a few little pirouettes.

Naruto scowled. Boy bands were _much _more important than ballet lessons. Well, if Sasuke wanted to be a poor sport, let him! He would regret it when Ninjas X was famous and making lots of money, and he wasn't.

"Kakashi! Kakashi sensei!" Naruto yelled, banging on Kakashi's door. "Oh, wait." Naruto thought, suddenly ceasing his knocking. "Didn't I kill him a while ago? Darn it." But just as he was thinking this, Kakashi answered the door. "What?" He asked, looking annoyed.

"AAAAHHH!" Screamed Naruto. "It's his ghost!" He ran away.

"So what's with the boy band?" Sakura asked as Naruto sat next to her again.

"I've decided you can join."

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I wanted to add more about Sasuke's ballet, but I guess that'll have to wait for another chapter. Review please! 


	5. The Secret Powers of Ballet

**The Secret Powers of Ballet**

Sasuke twirled through the streets happily. He felt slightly bad about not joining his friend's band, but ballet was much more important.

When he got to his house, he was surprised to see the door was open. "Helloooooo?" He yelled happily as he spun through the doorway… and bumped into his evil brother.

(Cue for the scary music here.)

"So Sasuke… I see you are taking your training seriously." Itachi's sharingan eyes glowed. "I see you have discovered the secret powers of ballet, and how it is a much more deadly fighting skill than any that you could learn with Hatake Kakashi. And then covering it up by just acting like a pansy who likes the dance so that nobody will know your secret. Very ingenious… but I've seen through it, little bro. And now I will have to kill you before you become stronger than me."

Sasuke nervously anime sweat-dropped. Actually, he had known absolutely nothing about the "secret powers" and deadliness of ballet; he WAS just a pansy who liked the dance. He hoped it didn't show on his face.

"So now, are you ready to die?" Itachi asked, drawing his kunai.

"No!" Yelled Sasuke hastily. "I just dry-cleaned this tutu! At least let me change first!" He ran into his room and emerged a few minutes later back in his customary dark blue shirt and beige shorts. He checked his image in the hallway mirror quickly to make sure he looked intimidating and tough (which, sadly, he didn't; he still had ballet make-up on)before going back into the room where his brother waited.

Itachi charged at Sasuke, but Sasuke, remembering what he had said about ballet, did a little fancy leap. His brother died.

To this day, nobody knows how ballet got that special power, but there you are.

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When my friend Caroline (snuggles-n-hugs is her penname) saw this chapter, she was all, "No, now Carmen'll have special powers!" (Carmen is another friend, who, incidentally, does ballet.) So now I must take note to never insult Carmen again. Reviewwwwwwwww! And, I am also insulted that nobody has added this story to their alert list yet. Hmph! 


	6. What's So Great About Sasuke?

**What's So Great About Sasuke?**

"Gee," said Sasuke. "I've just noticed; everyone seems to like me even though I'm a selfish, conceited, disloyal jerk."

"Whoa, that's true," said Sakura. "You are kind of a sulky, arrogant, fathead."

Naruto did a cartwheel. "Does that mean you have finally realized I am the one for you, Sakura?" He asked hopefully, with heart-shaped eyes.

She looked at him and shook her head pityingly. "No, you're just a retard."

Naruto blinked a bit and his lip quivered. He walked home sadly.

Sakura clutched Sasuke's arm. "Finally, we're alone, Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke looked down at her in confusion. "I thought we just discussed about what a terrible person I was!"

"Oh, yeah." Sakura let go of his arm in disgust. "Bye, loser!"

Years later, after Sasuke killed his brother, he decided to become a friendly, amiable person. Unfortunately, Sakura had made all of the Hidden Leaf Village residents realize years ago that Sasuke was no more than just a pretty face, and so everyone hated him. He never got married or had any friends. He spent the rest of his life living in a house full of cats and discussing the price of potatoes with anyone who would listen. I.e.: no one.

(This is where the violin music comes in.)

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Wow, this was really Sasuke-bashing. Don't ask me whe; he's one of my favourite Naruto characters...hmmm. Well, my mind is a mystery even to me. Plus I kinda have writer's block. Review peoples! PLEASE! Flame the hell out of it if you want; I don't care! As long as it's a review! 


	7. Naruto's Attempted Suicide

**A/N: **This chapter is all about Naruto trying to kill himself. If this offends, skip to the next chapter. Although I don't really see how it could be offensive, as it's all spoofy anyways, you never know. So, just to be nice, I'll leave this as a warning to anyone who may be hypersensitive about this.

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**Naruto's Attempted Suicide**

Naruto walked home dejectedly. Why did Sakura have to hate him? It wasn't his fault he was stupid! Well, maybe it was. He cried a little bit, and then decided it was best to just end it all.

Naruto decided to hang himself from the shower head, because that's where all the people in movies hang themselves. From the shower head, with their dad's tie. He looked for his dad's tie for 8.024 minutes before remembering he didn't have a dad. The next best thing he could find was a tape measurer. He tied one end around the shower head. It came undone, seeing as it was so slippery. Also partially because he didn't know how to tie. Aggravated, he chucked the tape measurer through the window, where it concussed an innocent passerby.

Well, he obviously couldn't hang himself. _Hmm, what's another way of killing myself? _He thought. His eyes fell on the sink. _Excellent. _He poured himself a glass of water. _Now, how does someone drown again? Oh yeah. _He poured all the water into his mouth and tried to swallow it into his lungs. Of course it didn't work. The only result was he now had to go to the bathroom.

His next attempt was to slit his wrists. Alas (A/N: always wanted to say that!), he couldn't find a knife. Being too dumb to realize he carried ninja weapons with him 24/7 which would work just fine, he rummaged through the kitchen drawer, but all he could find was a rubber spatula. He sharpened it on the floor and plunged it into his wrist.

After he had decided the skin on his wrists was just too thick, he tried hitting his head against the wall until he died. He lost his remaining few brain cells, and passed out.

When he woke up, he was very sad that he hadn't died. He was about to cry when a thought struck him. "Ouch!" He said. You can tell people aren't used to thinking when a thought striking them physically hurts.

"I must be invincible!" Naruto exclaimed to the spatula, lying on the floor beside him, in awe. "Nothing can kill me! I _knew _I was destined to be the fifth Hokage!"

With his newfound wisdom and invincibility, he went out the door happily to tell everyone he was undefeatable.

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Hope you liked it! Hope it didn't offend! Hope you review! (Hope you don't mind if I murderize anyone who flames!) 


	8. Doffles the Chicken and Sasuke's Ears

Hey, I just realised I haven't done any disclaimers for this story! Or maybe I have. I don't remember. Anyways:

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, but Naruto owns a rubber spatula.

By the way, I have sooo many hits for this story, but sadly I only have one review. That does a lot to my self-esteem, you know.

Also by the way, I forgot all about this story for a very long time. I haven't edited it for how many months? No wonder no one reviews. Or maybe that's just because the story is dumb. Well, that _was _the point.

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Naruto ran outside and saw Sakura. "Sakura-chaaan!" He sang. She looked at him with a scowl.

"What," she grumped. She still wanted French toast.

"I am invincible!" He informed her.

"Really."

"Yes, I tried to kill myself but I couldn't! I'm invincible! Now I have to go find Sasuke and beat him up!"

"NO!" screeched Sakura, and attacked Naruto, clawing his face. She had forgotten already that Sasuke was a jerk. (But she'd remember in a few more years.) Naruto started to bleed and cry.

"Why am I bleeding? I'm supposed to be invincible!" he sobbed, running away.

By the time the cuts on Naruto's face had scabbed over, he had calmed down and decided he'd imagined the whole thing. So he went over to Sasuke's house.

"Sasuke," he called, slamming the door open.

"What?" asked Sasuke from the other room.

"I'm going to beat you up! I'm invincible! Prepare to die!" Naruto ran into Sasuke's room and saw Sasuke playing with a wind-up chicken. Sasuke looked up.

"Don't kill me, I just got this chicken! Look, isn't it cute? You wind it up and then it goes across the floor and pecks and makes funny noises!" said Sasuke enthusiastically. Naruto looked at him like he'd grown another ear.

"Hey, you've grown another ear!" said Naruto.

"Yes, I know," sighed Sasuke, fingering the ear on the top of his head. All of a sudden, a cat jumped in through the window, and ate Sasuke's wind-up chicken. A gear dropped out of its mouth.

"NOOOOO!" Shrieked Sasuke supremely girlishly. "He ate Doffles!"

"Doffles?" asked Naruto in disgust. He looked at Sasuke like he'd grown another ear.

"Hey, you've grown another ear!" said Naruto. Sasuke sighed.

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Sometimes I scare myself. 


	9. Mind Reading

Hmm. Three reviews. Well, it's a start. Thank you, all three of you people who reviewed! I love you!**

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**Mind Reading**

Sasuke walked out of his house, mourning the loss of his beloved Doffles. One of the ears on the top of his head had disappeared again, but the other remained. Sasuke combed his hair so that it was almost all spiky, not just the part at the back, so that nobody could see the ear.

As he walked, he discovered he could hear little odd, echoey snippets of voices every once in a while that he had never heard before. When he concentrated hard, he could hear them better. _No! I have voices in my head now! _He thought in horror. _I don't wanna go crazy! Waaaah! _He walked past Choji in the street, who was eating a bag of chips. All of a sudden, so clear that it felt like it was being whispered in his ear, Sasuke heard, "_Mff, these need more salt. I should have got a different flavour."_ It was an echoed version of Choji's voice. Sasuke looked over at Choji, but the fat member of Team 10 had his mouth crammed full of chips, and couldn't have talked. But even as Sasuke thought that, he heard Choji's voice in his head again: _"I could do with some ice cream now."_

As Sasuke walked farther away from Choji, the fat kid's voice became fainter and fainter. _How odd, I think this third ear can read minds, _Sasuke thought. _This could be useful. _The Uchiha child walked past Shikamaru, who was thinking, _"There's Sasuke. What's with his hair?" _and Iruka, who had "Oops, I Did it Again," stuck in his head.

Sasuke went over to Naruto's house, where he and Sakura were having a practice session of Ninjas X. Sakura looked at Sasuke and blushed. She was thinking, _"What's with his hair? It looks so cute! Oh, Sasuke-kun! I am going to marry you, and then I'll laugh in Ino's face, and Sasuke-kun and I will have little mini Sasukes…" _Sasuke stopped listening, not wanting to hear any more. "Hi, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura said out loud, still fantasizing in her head.

"What do you want?" Snapped Naruto at Sasuke. He was thinking, _"damn, I have a wedgie. How do I pick it out without anyone noticing?" _He fidgeted, and sighed, thinking, _"rats, it's no use." _Sasuke tried to stop listening to him, too.

"Uh, nothing. But I miss Doffles." Sasuke wiped away a tear.

"_Sasuke's crying? Noooo!" _Thought Sakura. _"Maybe a hug will comfort him…" _she took a step towards Sasuke, who bolted.

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Man, I would looove to read minds, but maybe not if I lived around Naruto.

I can read _your _mind, though! you want to review! You know you do!


	10. Neji's Dream

I think I had some stuff to say, but I forgot it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. And if by some freaky coincedence, "Da Bomb" is actually a real rapper's title, I don't own them, either. (And I wouldn't want to.)**

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Neji's Dream **

Our favourite white-eyed sexy beast (wow, I say that a lot) was sleeping peacefully one night, having the most wonderful dream that involved (many readers: Tenten! Me: no, no, no… several readers: Hinata! Me: AAUUUGH! Incest! Other readers: power! Me: wrong-o… … turnips! Readers: …O.o…) Yes, turnips, when into his dream crept a big… uh, nightmare. (Readers: how lame… Me: SHUT UP!) Anyways, I'll just show you how it went, from the beginning.

Neji's POV: He skipped happily through a huge field of beautiful, white turnips. The fresh turnipy smell wafted through the air and made his heart feel at peace. The turnips smiled up at him, and told him their names, and he felt he would burst with joy.

When suddenly… the sky darkened. Looking up confirmed that masses of black thunderheads had invaded the area, sneaking up from the horizon. The turnips trembled, but Neji bravely told them he would defend them until the last breath had been wrung from his body. "What evil power doth invade this area?" he called at the wicked clouds, happy that he had finally been able to use the word "doth", something he had been dying to do since he read "Hamlet".

"That'd be me, dawg," called a sinister voice from somewhere in the clouds. Aghast at the mindless terror struck into him by the horrible words, Neji's knees knocked (A/N: that was some alliteration) together as he watched, with a sense of imminent doom, one of the thunderheads detach itself from the rest of them. It was small, but it flickered with the lightning contained within. Several of the turnips started to cry. Suddenly, with a dazzling flash of lightning and a peal of thunder, a dude in a big, blue, shiny silk rapper outfit, decked out in bling-blings, was shot down from the inside of the thunderhead. He was laughing evilly, like Orochimaru. "Ku kuku ku ku ku!" Though it sounded remarkably like a chicken, it was nevertheless a sinister and terrifying laugh.

"Wh-what do you want?" Neji demanded, his bravery awing his turnip friends.

The rapper guy re-adjusted the bandana on his head and started to bop: "Yo, yo, yo, Ah'm da new evil ruler, and dere aint no one cooler, ah'm so smooth it aint funny, an' ah got lotsa money; ya can call me Da Bomb (though mah real name's Tom)…"

"I didn't ask who you were!" Neji yelled. "I asked what you were doing here!" The turnips gasped at how he was unfazed by Da Bomb's malevolent presence.

"Peace, dude, ah'm gettin' there. Well ah'm already rich, but ah always want more, so today I became, a cheap male –"

"STOP!" yelled Neji. "Skip that part, skip it!"

"Like, dude, chill. Relax. It's all cool. Fine then, if ya don't wanna hear mah raps, I'll just cut ta da quick, like, aiight? Ah'm here ta spread wickedness and cruelty, which is why ah came here when ah saw how much fun ya were havin' wit da turnips." He paused to evilly examine a large diamond ring on a finger. "Ah'm gonna have ta take ya away from dem turnips."

"But… but why?" asked Neji, appalled, as the turnips gasped and cried.

"Cuz ya havin' fun, dawg," explained Da Bomb, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "An' evil rulers always wanna prevent da peeps from havin' fun, ya know?"

"But…" Neji felt tears burn in his eyes. It wasn't fair. "But the turnips… they're my best friends. They accept me… for who I am! They don't make fun of me because I don't have pupils." His chin quivered, and tears started to stream down his cheeks as he continued. "When I'm with them, I don't even remember the tattoo of hate on my forehead. When I'm with them… I'm home!"

The turnips bawled with him.

"Yea, but, Ghetto ta ghetto, back yard-da-yard."

"Huh?"

Da Bomb shrugged. "Just somethin' a rapper should say, ya know?" Without further ado, he muttered some evil magic words to one of his bling-blings, and out sprang… a giant alarm clock. It rang.

"Noooooo!" screamed Neji as he woke up in his bed. He could still hear Da Bomb's maniacal laughter in his ears (as opposed to hearing it in his eyes or nose).

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Hahaha... how lame is it when you laugh at your own fanfic? V. lame, that's how. Hmm... maybeI'll start writing my own reviews. JOKING. Anyways, I just _had _to write a chapter that involved a stereotypical rapper. Anyways... please review! It'll make Neji less distraught. 


	11. A Moment With Orochimaru

Wow, I betcha thought I'd abandoned this story! Well, I kind of did. But then I realized I had a bunch of more screwed up ideas floating around in my mind, and... I missed writing this! Plus I'm kind of blocked in my other Naruto story for awhile, so this is to kind of... loosen up my mind. Anywho... enjoy!

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, would I be wasting my time writing lame little fanfics about him? I think not.**

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**A Moment With Orochimaru**

Orochimaru lounged in the big evil throne in his lair (Yes, thrones can be evil. This one had eaten two evil rulers before Orochimaru before. Remember this. It could be important. Hint, hint). He was in a foul temper, and it was steadily getting worse. _How long is that fool going to take? _He thought, growling. _I have been waiting for so long for this… so long… _his disgustingly long tongue (A/N: I think he just admires KISS, don't you? the band, for the record.) snaked out and licked his lips in anticipation. _I can feel it… the time is almost here… _he thought eagerly, drumming his thin, insecty fingers against the armrests of his throne.

Finally he could bear it no longer. He had waited for so long, too long, for this moment, to have it delayed a second longer because of one stupid minion's slowness.

"KABUTO!" he bawled, as loudly and unattractively as a dying calf.

Kabuto came scurrying into the room like a kicked spaniel. "Yes, Orochimaru-sama?" he cringed. (A/N: If you really want to think of how he came scurrying, think of this. You know those Disney movies where the bad guy always has some short, klutzy, usually squinty-eyed apprentice who's all slobbering and tripping over his feet in a combination of fear and eagerness? Yeah. Think of that. The squinty-eye expression might not be a bad idea either.)

"_Has Itachi arrived back yet?" _Orochimaru snarled.

"No, Orochimaru-sama," muttered Kabuto, avoiding his master's eyes.

"Quit mumbling into your chins! What did you say?"

"I said, no, Orochimaru-sama," repeated Kabuto, lifting his head resentfully. _Why was "chin" plural? _he thought grouchily. _I've been TRYING to stick to my diet, but Kisame keeps baking that damn chocolate cake… _

"Kabuto! Quit spacing out! Why isn't he back yet!" Orochimaru demanded.

"I don't know," Kabuto replied sullenly, starting to mumble again involuntarily. "I _told _you I would be better for the mission…" he grumbled under his breath like a jealous five-year-old.

"What was that?" Orochimaru hissed.

"Nothing," said Kabuto quickly.

"Well, quit wasting my time! Get back on watch!" Orochimaru snapped.

Kabuto bowed and skittered back out of the room.

There was silence for a second. Finally…

"The hell? Did he just _skitter?" _Orochimaru said, one side of his nose twitching in disgust.

The door burst open and Itachi suddenly was in the room. Orochimaru sat up eagerly.

"Do you have it?"

Itachi bowed and nodded smugly.

"Well, bring it here! Hurry!"

Itachi hurried up to the side of Orochimaru's throne and whisked out… a small hand-held mirror, and a stick of eyeliner.

"Yes," breathed Orochimaru in sinister glee, taking the eyeliner reverently and turning it over in his hands adoringly. "Finally. _Jet black." _

_

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...Because he was just so sick of how after a long battle it would have faded to some shitty grey colour... like, that is so not intimidating anymore._

And okay, it turns out that the evil man-eating throne wasn't so significant after all.

XD ... Know what's sad? I make myself laugh. Uber sad.

Anyway... review!


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